Roolz:: Lab Rat DoNoMorez
by A Rhea King
Summary: On his last trip to New York, Horatio noticed changes in Mac's team. After Mac Taylor, and then Catherine Willows, introduce him to the magic of The Wall, he and Calleigh create their own Wall.
1. What is this humor you speak of?

**CSI: Miami**  
**Lab Rat Do-No-Morez**  
**By A. Rhea King**

1) What is This Humor You Speak Of?

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Author's Note: Just like the franchise, spin-offs happened. While you're waiting for the next chapter, where the fun really begins, you should check out _Roolz:: Things A Lab Rat is Not Allowed To Do (Anymore) [CSI]_, and _Roolz:: CSI and Lab Rat NoNo's (CSI:NY)_. Even if neither are your favorite show, they'll give you a chuckle!!

* * *

Horatio had been gone for over three weeks, leaving his team to fend for themselves.

He had pursued a man who had raped and murdered his own daughter to New York City and teaming up again with Detective Taylor catch the man. He'd called the afternoon to tell Calleigh the man was caught, and he'd be on the first red-eye home.

And suddenly everything changed.

He called her first thing that morning, said he'd put in for five days of time off, and he would possibly be out of reach but didn't know for sure. She wouldn't tell Ryan, or Jesse, or anyone else in the lab, but that worried her. It wasn't like Horatio to just take days off when there wasn't a reason. To her knowledge there wasn't any.

But the strange part was the phone. He never turned off his phone. Not even when Ryan and Dave told him it kept his phone healthy to turn it off for a few minutes a day. But when she'd tried to call him for the last three days, it kept going to voice mail. He did call her back, but it was an hour or so later.

She'd asked if he was looking at new equipment. He laughed. She knew that laugh. She'd asked a ridiculous question, but he'd never tell her, and he'd never make her feel silly about it. He'd just laugh like that, and tell her he'd bring her up to speed when it was time. That was exactly what happened. And then he was gone again. She almost gasped when Ryan suggested Horatio was taking a vacation! That had to be it, but it was his first vacation since she'd met him! Suddenly, she wasn't so worried. She was happy for him. He'd found something interesting in New York, something that didn't involve criminals or death or mayhem, and he was relaxing.

After that revelation, she was content to let him have his 'me' time.

She was thinking that as she drove along the interstate on her way home. Her phone rang. She reached up at the top of her steering wheel and tapped a button turning on his Bluetooth speaker on his steering wheel.

"Hello?"

"Hello, Calleigh," Horatio replied.

She smiled. "Hi. How's New York?"

"Interesting. Have I missed anything?"

"No. We've held down the fort. Are you coming back soon?"

"Yes. I am. I need you to do me a favor tomorrow on your break or lunch."

"Sure. What's up?"

"Look around the building for a room that as secluded as you can find. Maybe start at the back of the first floor, or down near the morgue. A room that would be big enough for seven people but not be too cramped."

She smiled. Add this to the strangeness of this entire event.

"Oh— Okay. Can I ask why?"

"Nope. I'll let you in on it when it's time."

"Horatio, what are you doing? You've been so… _Secretive_ since you finished the case."

Horatio was silent a moment. Then he told her, "With everything I've seen, and everything I've experienced, Calleigh, it's hard for me to be surprised."

"But something did?"

"Yes."

"Something for the lab?"

"Yes."

"My request for the Bullet Test Tubes went through and we can expect them any day?"

He let out a soft 'ridiculous question' laugh. "No."

She smiled. "Oh. All right. But you can't blame a girl for trying to get new toys. I love new toys."

"I know you do. I hope you'll find this better."

"Okay. Will your phone be on tomorrow?"

"It will. But let's keep that between us."

She smiled. "Our secret. I'll let you know what I find."

"Thank you. Good-bye." And without a sound, he was gone.

She smiled. There was something she'd heard in that conversation. Something she hadn't heard in many years since she began working with him. Wonder. Whatever he'd found, it had left him full of it. He was actually excited to bring it back to his team – whatever it was.


	2. Crisscross

2) Crisscross 

Six Days Earlier

It had been a long search for Jonathan Ashley. He was good. Horatio was better. And with Mac Taylor helping, the man lost just as Horatio had expected. He was now sitting in a jail cell and would be transported to Miami in three days. Horatio couldn't wait to watch the man be crucified for what he'd done to his teenage daughter. No child should ever have to suffer like that.

Horatio entered his hotel room and flicked on the light just inside the door. He removed his jacket, dropping it with his sunglasses on the bed. He walked to the window and pulled open the blind, staring out at New York. It was early March and cold here. Snow had begun falling as the man was led out of the warehouse he'd been hiding in. Horatio was not fond of cold, and the snow reminded him of that.

He turned when someone knocked on his door. No one knew he was staying here. No one except the CSI in New York. Maybe something had happened. Maybe Ashley had escaped and they had to chase him again. His will was ready for it, but his weary body wasn't.

Horatio walked across the room and opened the door. Mac Taylor greeted him with a smile.

"Hungry? I know this place with the chicken Alfredo."

Before he could answer, Horatio's stomach did. He smiled.

"Let me grab my coat."

#

It was strange to be surrounded by CSI that were not his own. Yet… This was a strange group. Mac's CSI had a unique bond that he could sense. They were very close to each other. Their lives meant the world to one another. They were a team in every sense of the word.

It was the second time he'd worked with a team bonded like this. He remembered when he was in Las Vegas three months ago. They had connected a case to one in Miami, so he went out to collaborate. He had joined them for lunch afterwards, before catching his flight home. The bond between them was similar to this one. What team building technique had Catherine and Mac learned that did this? He was anxious to have Mac's attention to himself and ask.

Finally, the last of the team left. Lindsey and Danny Monroe, with baby Lucy in tow. A friendly pat on the shoulder for the men. A kiss on the cheek from Lindsey. A quick cuddle with Lucy rewarded by a happy squeal when he kissed her cheek.

The couple wished Horatio goodnight, and left. Mac leaned on the table, pushing his plate aside, and sipped his beer.

"I told you they had good pasta here," Mac told him.

"They do indeed."

"You look like you have something on your mind. Still thinking about Ashley?"

"No. He's behind bars, soon to be for life. I was thinking about your team."

"My team?"

"Yes. They worked well on this case."

"I'm sure yours would have been the same."

Horatio nodded. Yes. They worked well on cases. They always did. But he wanted the secret. He wanted to know how to make them better.

"I noticed how well they get along outside of work as well."

Mac nodded. "We're good friends. All of us."

"It would appear."

A brief silence. As Horatio chose his words Mac had time to absorb the conversation, and then beat him to the question.

"And you're wondering what I do to make that happen, I'm guessing."

Horatio smiled. "I am."

Mac sat back, studying him. It was very thoughtful. Almost distrustful. What was he looking for in Horatio? He looked away, at something across the bar. Something Horatio couldn't identify. He sat his beer down.

"I can't tell you."

That wasn't the answer Horatio was expecting.

"Is it simply team dynamics?"

"Some, but… There's much more to it." He smiled, looking back to Horatio. "And believe it or not, it wasn't even my doing. I had no part in it."

"None?"

"None."

"That's… Difficult to believe."

Mac offered his hands up. 'Sorry, that's the God's honest truth.'

"It just happened?"

"Mostly. Yeah."

Horatio was disappointed. He'd hoped there was some secret. Some technique, or retreat, or self-help book even. Not 'sorry, it was a fluke.' But wait…

"I noticed the same kind of group dynamic when I was in Las Vegas a few months ago. Catherine Willows… Do you know her?"

"Sort of. Through reputation."

"Her team is similarly bonded."

Mac's face read that he wanted to tell Horatio. He really did. But something held him back.

He shook his head. "I'm sorry. I have my team to think about. They wouldn't be okay with this being discussed with just anybody."

Horatio nodded. So the secret would remain unspoken.

Mac promptly changed the subject. "What sports do you like?"

Horatio sipped his beer and allowed the conversation to change.

#

Horatio was pulled out of a deep sleep by his cell phone ringing. He reached out and trotted his fingers over the bedside table until he found it. He flicked it open.

"Horatio."

"I've had second thoughts," Mac said.

Horatio looked at his clock. It was four thirty.

"About?"

"That secret you were asking about. But you have to go with me now, before my team gets in. If they find out I let you in on this I'd be in a lot of trouble with them. No one gets in on it without the team voting. Can I trust you not to say anything?"

"I don't even know what we're talking about."

"You asked what bonded my team together last night. What I and Catherine Willows did to make our teams so strong, so close knit."

"Yes. You said you didn't know her."

"I don't. But her close team came from a secret similar to our. Can you keep this secret?"

Horatio considered his options. "Yes."

#

The drive from the hotel to the precinct was all but one green light. This early, the city that never sleeps had fewer cars than pedestrians. A few inches of snow made the city sparkle and look fresh. Mac parked at the side of the precinct, and placed his police parking permit on the dash. He got out and walked around the front of his Tahoe to the sidewalk. He turned and stared back at Horatio, waiting for him.

Horatio got out and he led him down the sidewalk to a cement staircase that led to a basement door. Horatio followed him down, watching him unlock the door. He stepped through, holding it open. Horatio walked into the basement. It was a little warmer in here, but not by much. Mac locked the door behind him, and then walked to the first door. He hesitated. He looked back at Horatio.

"This stays here. At The Wall. That's what they call it in Vegas, that's what we call it here."

Horatio nodded once. This mystery was intriguing. What team building exercise did Mac and his team practice beyond that door? The same one that apparently Catherine and her team did.

Mac unlocked the door and entered. A light came on and he was holding the door open for Horatio. Horatio entered.

He heard the door close behind him, but he had begun looking around the room before then. The room wasn't special. A long table for the entire team, with a hodgepodge of chairs. A worn but usable couch. A recliner. The water fountain in the corner was a unique touch. There was an old desk that had a microwave on it and a mini-refrigerator under it. A flat screen TV hung on the wall.

So far it looked like an ordinary break room. Nothing unique or special about it. Nothing that stood out. Nothing that seemed like it should be kept a secret from anyone. Nothing at all. Even the writings in chalk on the wall seemed…

Horatio's eyes came back to the writings. He studied them. They were numbered. This was a list. He searched out number one and began to read. He didn't hear Mac leave or return moments later. He didn't notice the breakfast burrito and coffee Mac sat on the table before him. He was focused.

The list items were written in different handwritings. They told about things that shouldn't happen again. They were amusing but he knew that somehow they had much deeper meaning. He finished the last one and looked down at Mac.

He had finished his burrito and was sipping his coffee.

"These are rules, aren't they?"

"Yes."

Horatio sat in a chair, studying Mac's face now. He was serious, prepared for a conversation.

"Tell me about these rules and The Wall."

Mac smiled. He had been waiting for the baited request. The one he'd baited himself.

#

Catherine Willows was happy to have only one call tonight. As wrong as it may seem, she was glad it was a dead homeless man, and knew it would mean Nick would be back to work on his backlog in an hour or two. Greg had miraculously finished his caseload and now he was floating around the lab, helping out his fellow CSI with theirs. She smiled as she passed the lab he was in.

'What an awesome team. I could leave them for a few days – I am leaving them for a few days – and they'll be fine without me.' She was looking forward to Hawaii with Lindsey. A break from everything for a week was just what she needed. She just had to get through tonight.

"CSI Willows to the front desk. CSI Willows to the front desk," the overhead voice told her.

She almost audibly groaned. She didn't want anyone to want to see her. That meant they were likely going to have a new case. She changed directions, heading to the front desk.

And after all that fuss about a person wanting to see her, she was surprised to find that person was Detective Horatio Caine. He smiled when she came in and she returned it.

"Hello, Horatio."

"Hello."

"What brings you to Nevada?"

"Can we talk somewhere in private?"

"Sure. My office works. Get him a badge, will ya?" she asked the officer-posing-as-receptionist.

With the visitor badge secured to a belt loop on his jeans, Horatio followed her through the halls. They passed Langston, but he was buried in his file. Greg noticed them passing and waved to both. They walked into her office and she closed the door behind her.

"Have a seat. Pardon the mess. I have reviews to finish before I leave on vacation tomorrow."

Horatio settled into a chair before her desk. He smiled when she looked up at him.

"I'm glad I came when I did, then."

She sat down in her desk chair. "So what brings you to Nevada, Horatio?"

He smiled. "A secret you share with Detective Mac Taylor. You know of him?"

"I know of him. We've spoken a few times. What secret?"

"The Wall."

Catherine was thrown completely off guard. She couldn't think of anything to say. She didn't know if she should say anything. She wasn't sure if saying anything was even the right or wrong thing to do at the moment.

Her mouth moved before her brain had a chance to censor it. Luckily, all it said was, "The Wall?"

"Yes. I am told that you have one here."

"By who?"

"Adam Ross."

"I don't know an Adam Ross."

"You may not. He's cousin to CSI Sanders."

"Greg did what?"

"Please, don't get defensive or upset by this. I've only come to talk about it. If you care to show me yours, then I'd appreciate it, but I'm not asking you to. I just want to talk to you about it."

She didn't know what to do, so she opted for denial. "Let's back up. There's a… What is a Wall?"

"This would go a lot smoother, Catherine, if you didn't pretend you didn't know what I'm talking about. I just want to hear your take on how it's helped your team."

She didn't reply. This was their wall. Their secret. She had a strong urge to fire Greg on the spot.

Catherine yanked up her desk phone received and jammed her fingers against buttons. The phone rang once and Greg answered.

"Wendy's DNA Emporium. Julio speaking," Greg chirped happily.

She heard Wendy laugh in the background.

"Get in my office right now!" Catherine snarled and then slammed the receiver on the cradle. "You know, Horatio, maybe now isn't the best time to talk about anything. I can arrange time later this month—"

"My vacation is over tomorrow. I didn't mean to cause trouble by coming here. I thought you knew, and I was hoping you could share your insight into it. I don't think you realize what this room has done for your team, as it's done for Detective Taylor's."

Stunned. Again. So stunned that Greg's entrance was unnoticed.

"You wanted to see me?" Greg asked.

She looked up at him. "Did you tell your cousin about The Wall?"

Greg stared at her. Oh, she knew that look. That petrified, my ass is grass, look. She looked at Horatio, at his smile. He was earnest in his request. He didn't mean to cause problems. He was looking for something.

"Did you?" Catherine asked without looking away.

"I showed it to him."

"And he took it back to New York and created one there."

"He… Did?"

She looked at Greg. He really didn't know about the one in New York. Catherine looked back at Horatio.

"How has it helped our teams?" she asked him.

"You are very tight knit. More so than any other CSI teams I've seen, including my own. I've spent the last two days discussing how it's impacted his team with Detective Taylor. He told me a story of a similar event he experienced when he was in the service, and how it created the same bond between him and his men. Sometimes, Catherine, a secret among friends, an innocent one such as The Wall, cements the team in ways you never anticipated."

"You have no idea," Greg commented.

"No. I imagine I don't." Horatio looked back at him. "That's why I came here. To find out."

Greg cautiously approached the other chair and lowered himself into it. Catherine sighed, leaning back in her chair. Then he relaxed. It was a sign her anger had passed and for the moment, there would be no lecturing or orders to work the autoclave for a week.

"Before The Wall, we floundered when the team hit a bad patch. We use it… What would you say, Greg? How would you describe it?"

"We use it like a bandage when we can't repair the damage to our hearts, or soul, or whatever. Warrick – he was a CSI a while ago – he used to say The Wall has white magic in it, and that's why it could save us when nothing else seemed able to."

"Detective Taylor told me your cousin has the same belief, and that several of his team believe that too. I can't say I believe in white magic, or any other magic, but I do believe in the healing power of a group that has become close and caring."

"We have done that."

"And all that you do is write the rules on the wall?"

"Yes."

"Detective Taylor said there were very few rules about their Wall. But the two that were important to his team were that once a rule is written, it can't be changed, and the event that caused it to occur, cannot be repeated. Do you have that rule too?"

"Yes," Catherine answered.

He nodded. "This has been an interesting discovery. How did it start here?"

"Years and years ago," Greg answered. "Before we were even here. When I was shown it I was a lab tech. There was writing on The Wall from decades before we got there."

"And with us, The Wall's just grown exponentially," Catherine told him. "My CSI and some of the lab techs, and even my supervisor are part of the group."

"And the coroners," Greg added.

"But," Catherine cautioned, "the only way it works is if the group is kept secret, that the location is kept secret, and that the team has a secret word to know when it's time to meet. And anyone can ask for that meeting, for any reason. We limit our talk about work that doesn't pertain to the rules. It's more like a stress reducing safe haven from all the chaos and pain we have to deal with every day."

Horatio nodded. He understood.

"You're planning to form one at your precinct, aren't you?" she asked.

"I am."

She nodded. "Well, since Greg seems so good at sneaking people into The Wall, I'll have him sneak you in tonight and give you the ten cent tour. He knows almost all the stories about the rules too."

"In New York they had one hundred and four rules. I imagine that's quite a bit."

Catherine scoffed. Greg laughed.

"That's peanuts compared to us!" Greg laughed.

"How many do you have?"

"Five hundred and ninety-five and counting. And that doesn't include the Un-rulz."

"Un-rulz?"

"You'll see. Come on," Greg stood up.

Horatio rose. "I'll stop by before I go. Thank you for discussing this."

"Not a problem. Enjoy The Wall. Keep your phone on Greg. I might still need you tonight."

"When have I ever turned my phone off on you?"

"You always turn it off down there. Don't."

"Yes, ma'am."

Greg led Horatio out. Catherine smiled, thinking about it. Her eyes drifted to her lap top screen. She sat up and leaned forward and started a new email to Mac Taylor. Suddenly she had a lot to talk to him about.


	3. Good Wall Hunting

3) Wall Hunting

(Because every good CSI lab needs the ideal Wall…)

The door of the room swung open. Calleigh and Horatio stood side by side. He stepped into the room, looking around it. He turned when two officers passed by and shook his head.

Quietly he told her, "No. This won't work either."

He walked away. She looked at his back, then the room. She threw up her hands, shut the door, and trotted after him.

"Horatio, that's all the empty rooms in the building!" Calleigh told them.

They moved to the side to let two officers pass by. They were in the bowels of the building. These were the administrative offices, home to the unsung heroes of Miami PD. In these dark, artificial lit rooms, people wrote press releases for the chief, kept eagle-eyes on budgets, janitors hid when they weren't sanitizing the morgue and keeping the halls spotless, and most importantly, payroll worked thanklessly to make sure everyone's paycheck was in their account by the end of the month.

"Too much foot traffic," Horatio told her, "and the room isn't nearly big enough."

They stopped at the elevator and he tapped the call button.

"If you'd just tell me what this is for, maybe I'd have a better idea of what I'm looking for."

He smiled at her and she knew right away she was in trouble. Years had taught her how to identify each of his smiles – this one was ornery. She was about to get stuck with something she may go home wishing she hadn't.

"I thought you were a CSI, Calleigh," he ribbed.

The door opened and the two got on. She let him tap the button for the lab on the top floor. He looked up at her and she narrowed his eyes.

"I _am_," she replied.

"Today you've shown me fourteen rooms. I told you what was wrong with each of them. Use your uncanny deduction skills to determine what exactly I'm looking for in…" He looked at the digital panel next to her. "Two minutes."

A challenge! She liked his challenges. She accepted this one with a huge smile.

"Let's see…"

The car stopped and opened, letting Ryan on.

"H, do you got a moment?" Ryan asked.

"You had questions about your suspicious suicide case, correct?"

"Yeah. It's about the rope. I—"

"In a minute, Ryan. Calleigh was about to dazzle me."

She saw Ryan smile. Was he sensing some humor in that remark too? Even his team often overlooked Horatio's humor, but when they recognized it, everyone enjoyed it.

"Okay, let's see… There were fourteen rooms. You said two were too small, six had too much foot traffic, three anyone could access, and one smelled like a sewer. One room was too small and anyone could access. Another room was the right size, but had too much foot traffic and anyone could access."

Horatio nodded. She remembered his comments. Calleigh thought about the facts presented. In her mind she went over them, turned them over, tried to find the evidence that was likely looking her in the face.

Ryan chuckled. She looked at him.

"What?"

"I know the answer to this riddle he's given you."

"Oh really?"

He nodded.

"So what is it?"

"He wants a room where there's hardly anyone, or no one passing it. I don't know what size he's looking for, but I'm guessing big. He doesn't want just anyone to be able to access it, so probably a key or keycard to it. And it doesn't stink. And judging from all that, he'd probably like to be able to keep anyone from knowing he's coming or going from this room. What is this for, H?"

Horatio didn't answer the question, only nod. Ryan was right.

Calleigh smiled. She hadn't been as fast at putting it together as Ryan had, but she didn't mind.

The door open and Horatio started to step off. She grabbed his arm.

"I've got it! I think I do know a room that meets all that. It's perfect!"

Horatio smiled. "Okay. But we'll have to wait till after the shift. Lunch is over."

She nodded and followed him off with Ryan. "Okay. I'll meet you at the elevator after work."

She turned off into a hall, leaving them to discuss Ryan's case.

#

Calleigh was waiting for Horatio at the elevator. She smiled when she finally saw him coming down the hall. He stopped to talk to a lab tech. The woman had a folder and the two started talking. She almost let out a frustrated groan but held it in. She'd waited all day to show him the place she was sure only she knew about.

"There's a bathroom nearby," some said close to her ear.

She turned her head and smiled at Jesse.

"Go home," she told him.

"You're bouncing, Calleigh."

She stopped bouncing. She hadn't been aware she was. She only did it when she was really excited about something. She was a little frustrated that he'd turned down every room, but she knew this had everything to do with whatever he'd found that incited his impromptu vacation. She was also acutely aware that he wouldn't tell anyone what that was until he found the ideal room. So yes, she was excited. She was sure he'd like this one and maybe, now, she'd finally get to find out what the big secret was.

"I'm excited about something," she admitted to Jesse.

"Oh?" Jesse asked. "You have a hot Friday night date?"

The elevator car arrived and he stepped halfway in to hold the door open.

"No. No date. Just… Well… To be honest, I'm not sure what it is. I'll let you know when I do."

"Someone has a surprise for you?"

"Yes!"

He laughed. "I guess I haven't worked with you long enough. I've never seen you this excited. Have a good night. Coming, Horatio?"

"Not just yet," Horatio replied. "Have a good night, Jesse. See you Monday."

"You two as well."

"Night, Jesse," Calleigh told him.

Jesse got in and the door closed. She turned her head, smiling at Horatio.

"So… If this is the room you're looking for, you'll tell me what this is all about, right?"

"No."

"AH!" she cried.

He smiled.

"I'll give you a hint. Will that do for now?"

She rolled her eyes. "I guess. Come on."

She led him down a hall to their left to the back wall, and then into a narrow hallway. It led to the back staircase, but the staircase was far from any parking. There were no windows and most of the light fixtures had at least one bulb burned out. Very few people ever used took this route.

"I'm liking it so far," Horatio commented from behind her.

She smiled. "You know what I think this is all about?" she asked.

"Hm?"

"You just want to find a me place."

"And what is a me place, Calleigh?"

"You know. Some place you can escape and get away."

"Not quite."

She stopped and spun. He almost ran into her but stopped in time.

"This isn't fair!"

"It will be in the end. I promise. Show me this room you're so excited about."

She turned and let him into the stairwell. She stopped just outside the door and turned. He waited in the door.

"You have to come out here and close the door."

He did.

She reached in her hip pocket and pulled out a small key ring with eighteen keys. She walked over to a door with stenciled letters that had been spray painted on and read: MAINTENANCE, AUTHORIZED ACCESS ONLY.

She used the smaller of the two keys to unlock the door and reached inside as she stepped through. There was an old light switch to her right that had to be turned to come on. The original architect had placed these around the building in hidden spots – she knew all of them.

"Do I want to know how you came about having all these keys, Calleigh?" Horatio asked.

"Probably not."

"I'd like to know."

She stopped and drew the memory out. "Do you remember last year when it seemed like every criminal in Miami went on a holiday and we had two cases in two weeks?"

"Yes. It was a nice break for everyone."

"Yes. Well. I finished all my cases, helped everyone else, and then I had nothing to do. You offered to let people go home, but I didn't want to go home. You said I had to find something to work on or else you couldn't authorize my time card. So I told you I was going to figure out where everything was in the building from basement to roof. Remember?"

"I do. It's why I gave you this project."

She hesitated. "It is?"

"Mm-hm."

She smiled. He had a memory like an elephant! "Well, I dug up the blueprints and studied them for two days. Then I convinced the head janitor to give me a copy of all the keys to the building so I could explore."

"How did you do that? He won't even give me all the keys to the building."

She grinned. "I smiled." Her smile dropped. "And then gave him two hundred dollars."

Horatio considered the story. "I hope it was a well spent two hundred dollars."

"It has been."

Calleigh stepped into the room and Horatio followed. She shut it behind them.

The room beyond wasn't huge, but it gave enough room to work if someone had to. On one side was an electrical panel. Doors of bullet proof Plexiglas covered the shining and blinking controls. One the other side were boxes of tools, parts, and things that probably should have been tossed years ago. But the real treasure was at the back. A ladder rose from the floor into the ceiling. There were no acoustic paneling here and the wires and heat ducts in the ceiling lay exposed. The ladder went up an entire floor to a door at the top.

At the top was a wooden door with a brass handle and a skeleton key lock. Calleigh climbed the ladder and unlocked the door. She looked down at Horatio, smiling.

"Come on."

"Are you sure about this?"

"Trust me, Horatio. This is the best-forgotten treasure of the building. If the chief knew about this, even you'd be jealous of him."

He started climbing. She pulled the key out, grabbed the handle, and twisted. The door released. She let go and put her hand in the middle of the door, then gave the heavy door a shove. It started to fly open, then changed it's mind and started to fall shut. She gave it another shove and this time it fell back.

Late afternoon sunlight exploded into the dim lit maintenance room, revealing the door was bigger than it looked. Calleigh climbed up the rest of the way and onto the floor above. She stood up and brushed the dust off her knees as she waited for Horatio.

Horatio cleared the top and stood up next to her.

A thick layer of dust covered the bare room. The stale air was stuffy – it was unlikely anyone had been up here since the building had been completed six years ago. At the far end was a pair of double doors.

Calleigh was right. This was the best-forgotten treasure in the building and Horatio was surprised he'd never known about it. He moved away from the trap door, looking down at the floor. His shoes left deep imprints in the dust turned to dirt. He stopped and swiped the toe of his shoe through it, exposing the floor underneath.

Calleigh came up beside him.

"The floor is parquet. Last time I was up here I swept and mopped it. It think it's cherry and oak."

"When were you up here last?"

"A year ago." She crouched and brushed away a larger spot. "Look. It's the Miami State seal here. Over there," she stood, pointing across the room, "Is the United States Seal. It mirrors the flagpoles on the other side of the building. And whoever started the pole the each flags is flown on, must've known about this. The flags are mirrored."

Horatio looked away from her to the blue sky overhead. There were four rows of skylights across the ceiling. Between them were two large ceiling fans with three lights a piece. The lights covers might have been crystal – it was hard to tell with all the dust on them. Dust and cobwebs hung off the blades of the unused fan blades.

Their building had large windows that ran all around it. He'd always noticed that the windows went past their floor, but it appeared that the tops just went into the ceiling area. Not on this side. The tops of several windows lined the east side of the room and beyond them he could see the ocean.

"Is there any other way in here?"

"Well… I think. There's a door on the other end there, and the master key unlocks it, but I wasn't able to get it open. It might be stuck or nailed shut. You know that button on the elevator marked M1?"

"I do."

"I think it comes up here, but M1 doesn't work for anyone. I think you have to have a fire marshal key to make it work. It's strange that it has a trap door though. Don't you think?"

"I do." Horatio thought and then pulled out his key. "I have a fire marshal key." He looked across the room at the door. "Let's go see if mine works on M1."

"Okay," she said.

Horatio went back down first. She locked the doors behind her and they walked back to the elevator.

"Does the room work?"

"It will we can get up to it another way. I want to some furnishings in the room."

"I knew it! You are looking for a me room!" She laughed. "It'll need a good cleaning before you can do that."

Horatio smiled.

The elevator car arrived and he held the door back waiting for her. They got on and Horatio inserted his elevator key. He turned it to ACCESS and pressed M1. The button lit up and the elevator rose.

"This is exciting!" she told him.

Horatio smiled.

The door opened and he pulled his key out. The hall here was even darker than the back hall. Nearly all the lights were burned out and the hall ran the length of the building in both directions. A short hall bent off from the elevator, and there was a single door on both sides. Horatio looked at the windows in the hall – he'd been wrong, the windows didn't go up to the ceiling area. They came up to this long forgotten hall.

The hall was made even narrower by mysterious bulks covered with sheets or layers of clear plastic.

"Calleigh?"

"Hm?"

"Do you have plans tonight?"

"No. Why?"

He looked at her. "I'll make you a deal."

"Okay. What?"

"Let's leave, get something to eat, and then come back and explore up here. And I'll tell you what this is about."

"You will? Promise?"

"Yes."

"Can we change clothes too? It's really dusty up here."

"Agreed. Meet you back here in two hours?"

"Yes!"

Horatio tapped the button and the elevator door opened right away. They got on and he pushed the first floor button.

"Oh! I have a better idea. Let's change our clothes and then bring dinner back here. This is going to take us a while to clean."

"Sounds like a plan."

She started bouncing again.

#

Horatio and Calleigh sat in the middle of the clean floor.

They discovered long forgotten boxes of filing blocked the door to the room. After moving that, with a little elbow grease and WD-40, they were able to get the door to swing open and let them enter.

They worked well past two in the morning to expose a parquet floor of light and dark wood that must have taken days if not weeks to put together. They replace burned out bulbs in the room, and cleaned the windows until they sparkled in the florescent light. All the while Horatio fed Calleigh his story about being shown The Wall first in New York and then in Las Vegas. He told her the stories he'd been told second and third hand and The Wall's origins. Most importantly, he explained how The Wall had affected the CSI teams that were keeping it secret, an affect he was hoping would happen among his own team.

Now they sat on the floor together, their clothes smeared with dirt. Streaks of dirt ran down their face and arms, their necks were dark with it, but they were happy with the room. They sipped their bottles of water, admiring the room.

The dust had turned the plaster walls grey, but soap and water they were actually painted a faint yellow with flecks of copper mixed in. The color was hardly noticeable in any light. But that was part of the illusion. During the day the bright wood in the floor and the natural light from the windows and skylights, along with the paint, would make the room appear twice as bright. At night, under florescent lights, the room had a glow. It was actually a well thought-out choice.

Calleigh turned around, her face very serious.

"So you're hoping this will help the team?" she asked.

"As I said, yes."

She looked out the windows for a few minutes. She looked back at him.

"All those stories you've told me are really funny. I mean, the CSI shouldn't have done what they did in most cases, but they are funny."

"Indeed."

She looked him in the eye and in a flat voice informed him, "This is never going to work, Horatio."

He sipped some water before asking the obvious, "Why do you think that?"

"We're not that funny."

Horatio smiled. "While none of you seem to often stretch the limit of policies like Detective Taylor or Catherine Willows CSI and lab technicians do, there have been a few occasions. And this doesn't have to be all about us, either. Think of all the things suspects and witnesses say and do. You can't tell me you haven't seen humor there."

She heaved a sigh. "I don't know, Horatio. I just think you could be barking up the wrong tree on this one."

"Perhaps."

"At any rate, we'll have a nice little secret hideaway."

"We will."

She climbed to her feet. "Well, let's go find out if there's any furniture we can use out there in the hallway, move it in, and call it a night."

He got up and the two started walking.

"You know what we should do…" She turned to look around the room, but walked backwards with him. "We should get one of those library ladders, you know the kind that has wheels on the bottom and runs along a rail, and then put a rail all around the room. Wouldn't that make it easier to get to all the spots on the wall?"

Horatio smiled when she looked at him as she turned around.

"Yes it would."

They went into the hall and began shopping the discarded hulks to furnish The Wall.


	4. In The Beginning There Were Fudgecicles

4) In The Beginning There Were… Fudgecicles

Calleigh crouched down to inspect a spot of liquid on the hotel carpet. Was it blood or chocolate syrup?

She heard footsteps walk up behind her.

"Ryan?" she asked.

"Yes. What is this?" he demanded.

Calleigh turned her head, bumping her nose against a pair of keys on a ring dangling from his index finger. One key was small and cut for a modern lock; the other was a plain skeleton key. She looked up at Ryan.

"You don't follow instructions very well," she said with a grin.

"Calleigh, it says…" Ryan dug into his jacket pocket and produced the small manila envelope the keys had been in. "After shift, follow the hall behind the showers and wait for Calleigh or Horatio in the stairwell. Bring this envelope but do not open it. This is part of the team building exercise mentioned in the memo you received last week. If you forgot and made plans, please make arrangements to be an hour or two hour late." Ryan put it back in his pocket and let his other arm drop. The keys jangled quietly against his leg. "And it had a permanent marker in it too. Why were we all given keys and a permanent marker?"

"Not everyone was given them."

"Your right. Not everyone was. The receptionist was clueless about it, didn't know anything about the memo. Jesse has a pair though. We compared them and they're identical. Tripp just told me he received the same memo and a pair too, and he's not part of our team, technically."

She laughed a little. "None of you listen to instructions! You weren't supposed to open them until later."

"But what are they for?

"You were told what they were for."

"A team building exercise. Why on Earth would we need keys for a team building exercise? And why are we meeting in the stairwell?"

She shrugged and smiled. "You already opened the envelope. Do you really think I'm going to just give it you?"

"Calleigh… I…"

She waited.

"I can't… UH!" He stormed off.

"Work the hall, Ryan."

"RIGHT! Fine!"

She giggled and went back to work.

#

Horatio turned down the last hall leading to the elevator – and was stopped by another lab technician. He had been trying for twenty minutes to get to the back stairwell, sure that everyone Calleigh and he had selected for the Wall Crew was waiting. He hoped she was at least there.

All morning they bombarded him with questions about the envelopes, and then they all opened them and bombarded him with questions about the marker and keys. He had a hard time not telling them what it was about – he was surprised how excited he was about revealing The Wall today, but it had a lot to do with the work he and Calleigh had put into it.

#

But then, he and Calleigh had spent a month getting it ready. The first two days they had four pages of maintenance and repair to the room. It took them four weeks to repair piece of the floor, a broken section of the skylight, electrical sockets that didn't work, fans that were reluctant to rotate, change the lock on the door, and install the bar and librarian ladder. And hiding their multiple trips so that no one suspected a thing.

After those four weeks, they spent three weeks furnishing the room. He let Calleigh have full rein on decorating. He relied on her telling him when she needed his help, and was pleased to find she was a talented interior decorator. She was able to breathe new life into all the shabby, used furniture they collected. The Wall reminded him more of the New York Wall.

#

With his questions answered, the lab technician let Horatio leave. He hurried off and down the back hallway. He came through the fire escape door and found the Wall Crew waiting. And as soon as he stepped through the door, the questions began.

What was going on? What was this so-called exercise? How could it be a team building exercise when Delko and Tripp were here?

Horatio waited out the storm, glancing at Calleigh. She was waiting by the maintenance door, smiling. He started smiling and that slowly killed off the questions until they were silent.

"I assume you've all opened your envelopes?"

Yes. They all had.

"And you brought your markers and keys?"

They presented them or said yes.

"Calleigh."

She held out a hand for Natalia's, the closest person to her. "Can I see your keys, please?"

Natalia handed them over. Calleigh held them up so everyone in the stairwell could see.

"The gold one opens this maintenance door here. The skeleton key opens the trap door I'm going to show you."

The questions almost started again but she held up her hand, stopping them.

"This is one of those let me show you first then ask questions. Okay?"

She waited but eventually everyone in the group said yes.

Calleigh gave the keys back. She used her own set of keys to open the maintenance door and went in. The light came on.

The room became brighter and she called back, "Come on, guys."

Horatio stepped back. They filed in. Horatio brought up the rear so he could shut the door and turn off the light, erasing that the group had been there. He came into the room last and closed the trap door before turning.

Calleigh stood at the back with him, smiling and bouncing. She reached out, giving his elbow a squeeze. He smiled.

Before them the group stood in a tight knot, staring at the room before them in stunned silence, and for good reason….

#

In the center was one of Calleigh's masterful finds and restorations; a long dining table she'd found at an antique store outside of Miami and haggled down to twenty dollars. When Horatio had first seen it he said nothing about how horrible it looked. It survived Katrina, but just. Back then it had been water stained, coated with mud, and had a deep grove down the middle. When she told him her father, Kenwall, was a miracle worker with wood, he had even more doubts. The man was rarely sober enough to keep himself out of trouble, how would he ever be able to revive a table in this bad shape? Two weeks later she called and told him to come over to look at it. He hardly recognized it. The groove had wooden roses inlaid in it, making it look like it had been done on purpose. The table had been torn apart, sanded, put back together, stained, and varnished. There was no resemblance to the piece of junk he'd seen before.

Horatio insisted on being involved with restoring the chairs she'd collected. It took Calleigh's help to convince her father to show Horatio how to restore them. The three quickly finished the sixteen chairs Calleigh had collected from all across Miami. Her father never once asked them what they were for. He seemed happy just to have his daughter spending time with him, and amazingly stayed sober through most of their visits.

Calleigh and Horatio had to lie to get the table and chairs up to The Wall. The table was supposedly evidence. No one questioned the chairs until they were bringing in the ninth through sixteenth. Calleigh claimed they were evidence too.

That, however, paled in comparison to getting refrigerator in. Horatio tried to insist on getting a mini-fridge, but Calleigh wouldn't hear it. He let her win when she was finally able to present an idea of how they would get it in. They brought it in late at night. Calleigh distracted the night officer and Horatio managed to get it to the lab. She came up and the remaining trip up a floor and down the hall was easy with two of them.

Calleigh found four beautiful Oak cabinets with counter tops. Horatio put his plumbing knowledge to work, and they built a small kitchen area around the refrigerator.

The only other person Horatio had told about The Walls, knowing she'd never tell a soul, was Yalina. When he told her about this project, she gave him the key to the storage unit she kept Ray's belongings from his other life, and told him to take anything he wanted. They easily explained away two leather couches and matching recliners, a microwave, cabinet stereo, television, and various odds and ends.

Horatio emailed Mac and Catherine at least once a week about their Wall. He didn't know Calleigh was also until the day their first 'Wall Warming' gift arrived. Two large packages arrived from Las Vegas with a card. It was from Catherine, wishing him and his Wall Crew the best of times at The Wall. Horatio wanted to open them right away, but decided to wait until after work when Calleigh could join him. They opened them and found framed photographs of the Walls in New York and Las Vegas. His keen eye found they both had pictures of the other Walls in them. He asked her where they'd gotten the photographs of their Wall; Calleigh admitted then she had been sending Mac and Catherine photographs of their Wall and its construction.

The next surprise came the day before he and Calleigh were going to finalize their choices for the inaugural Wall Crew. A rug arrived, with a note from Mac and his Crew. Something borrowed from their Wall. Calleigh mailed them a wooden statue she'd found at a rummage sale in exchange. Mac told Horatio his Crew had been excited to get it and it was now part of a centerpiece Lindsey made for the table.

Once everything all the finishing touches, the last picture hung, the last little accent placed in just the right spot, Horatio sent memos to the Wall Crew about a bogus team exercise. Ryan, Natalia, Jesse, Maxine, Walter, Dave, Delko, and Tripp had complained for a week about it.

#

Ryan broke the silence. "What's this room for, H? Why'd you bring us here and keep it a secret all day?"

Horatio walked to the refrigerator and opened it, stepping back so they could see inside.

"Let's grab a drink, sit down, and talk those questions."

The refrigerator only had a box of beer and a case of mixed sodas. A few bottles of water were in the drawer, left overs from Horatio and Calleigh's work.

Jesse moved first. He grabbed a beer and sat down. The others followed. Calleigh and Horatio joined them last.

Horatio repeated his story of Mac showing him The Wall, and then visiting the one in Las Vegas. He told them about the stories, the rules, and The Wall Crew.

And they listened intently, without interruption.

Horatio reached the end and stopped talking. Silence followed. He knew it was a lot to absorb for a group, some more than others probably. He sipped his beer – a rare treat for him.

"So…" Walter looked down the table at him. He pulled the permanent marker from his shirt pocket. "We write rules on the walls about things we've done, and shouldn't do again."

"Yes."

"And once these rules are written, it's an honor system more or less that we don't do whatever made them be written?"

"It is."

Silence again. They looked at each other. Dave leaned forward so he could really look at Horatio.

"Horatio… Those stories you told us are actually really funny, but… We're just not that funny. We're pretty boring, as far as CSI and lab tech's go."

"And police officers," Tripp added.

"You say funny things all the time," Natalia told Tripp.

"I don't remember any of them."

"I do," Ryan said.

The group chuckled.

"I believe that little chuckle just proved that this can work," Horatio told the group. "It's just going to take more practice for us than it did the other Wall Crews. We're not used to finding humor in our job."

The group didn't really react to the comment. Horatio stood. He took off his jacket and hung it from the back of his chair. He rolled up his sleeves and then pulled a marker from his jacket pocket.

"I'll start."

"You?" Maxine asked.

He looked at her. "Yes. Unless you want to."

"You've got something funny to write?"

"I do."

"You?"

Horatio just smiled. He walked around to where the ladder was at the end of the bar. He moved it over a little and climbed to the top. He glanced back.

"Here it goes."

On the pristine wall that had taken them hours to clean, with slow, neat, printed letters, Horatio wrote their very first rule:

**

* * *

1. A memorandum is not to be used as a torture device for my underlings. **

* * *

He turned on the ladder, looking down at them. There were already smiles starting to appear.

"You have always complained about the amount of memos I send out. I'll have to limit them."

They laughed, but it wasn't very loud. The Wall's magic hadn't quite gotten them.

"But I've been thinking," Horatio continued. "In this job we hear people say some very amusing things. So in addition to rules like these, I thought we could also add things that aren't rules. Things like this."

He turned and wrote:

* * *

• **We owe rent and your unemployed. You're in no financial position to flirt with a cocaine addiction.**

* * *

Horatio back down the ladder and returned to the table before telling them the story behind the quote.

"I remember the police had been tipped about a drug dealer. He was arrested and in the apartment we found several kilos of cocaine under his bed. We finally reached the roommate and he came in. While questioning him the dealer roommate was walked past. He jumps up, runs into the hall, and blurts that out to him."

They were finally laughing by the time he finished, although still modestly.

"What happened?"

"The young man went to jail on drug charges. I asked the roommate what he was going to do about the rent. He was selling all the man's belongings and moving."

The laughter was starting to relax.

"So who's next?" Horatio asked.

Silence answered him. He waited. Through all of this he'd come to a few observations about his team. When put into a group situation, away from crime and evidence and courts and criminals, they suddenly became very shy. It was as if they hadn't worked months or years with each other.

"What are those pictures of?" Maxine asked, pointing at the photographs.

Horatio looked at the photographs.

"Those are The Walls in Las Vegas and New York."

Calleigh and Tripp were the only ones that didn't go over to look at them. They started talking to each other at the same time, admiring this, pointing out that. Tripp watched them for a minute, and then looked at Horatio.

"This wasn't really a team building exercise, was it?"

"No."

Tripp smiled. "Mind if I take a crack at this rule thing?"

"Please."

Tripp pulled his marker from his shirt pocket and walked over to the ladder. He climbed up and under Horatio's wrote:

**

* * *

2. If you've procrastinated cleaning your gun that week, you can bet you'll be caught in a shoot out.**

**3. There is no situation where suggesting the sacrifice of a virgin might help.**

* * *

Followed by:

* * *

• **There is nothing wrong with younger generations that twenty years won't cure.**

• **The cake is a lie.**

* * *

He turned and discovered everyone had returned to the table and was watching him. His dark tan skin darkened a little more. He backed down the ladder and returned to his chair. Their eyes followed him. He started drinking his beer.

"You're not going to explain any of them?" Jesse asked.

Tripp sat his beer down. He cleared his throat a few times. Drank another swallow. Cleared his throat.

"Well… I guess… That first is pretty explanatory, I think."

"Yes it is."

"But the second one… Well… See, I was called out to the swamp. There was this guy just bawling on the side of the road. The uniform that had found him couldn't get him to stop. We finally calmed him down. He said the gators were just overrunning his place down the road. They were eating everything. It's been a bad year for gators. Food's been scarce for them. So he and his family went to church to pray and this woman came up to him, said God told him he has to sacrifice his eldest virgin child."

"No!" Calleigh said.

"Yeah."

"That's not funny," Maxine said.

"I'm not done."

They waited for him to finish.

"Guy was all upset. Said he tied her up and sent her out to the water to be eaten. Couldn't get him to calm down, hauled him off to jail for murder. That night, I get woke up and called to the station. Guess who came in and told them her father was trying to kill her?"

"The daughter," Jesse answered.

"Oh yeah. I still sent his ass to jail."

"What happened to the daughter?" Maxine asked.

"She went to live with an aunt in Kentucky. Sends me letters every so often to tell me what's going on."

"That's sweet."

Tripp just shrugged.

"Where'd the quotes come from?" Jesse asked.

"Oh. The first one I say that a lot."

"A lot," Ryan repeated.

"More than a lot. You say it to almost every time kid that does something really stupid," Delko laughed.

Tripp smiled a little. "The second came from a woman who was hyped up on LSD. She kept telling me not to listen to the cake. The cake is a lie and lying about everything. She was sure it was conspiring to get her arrested, too."

They laughed.

Jesse stood. "I think I'm getting the hang of this. I thought of a few."

**

* * *

4. Pointing your gun at your unsuspecting co-worker and yelling "Duck" negates the desired reaction you are anticipating.  
**

* * *

After that he wrote:

* * *

• **Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is seven.**

* * *

After sitting back down he began. "The first was that warehouse that kid was making meth. The one that was booty trapped. Walter knows which one I'm talking to."

"Point your gun at me and say duck! Like I would listen to that!"

The group chuckled.

"I was trying to save you, not kill you."

"I know that _now_. Like I knew that when you had your gun aimed at my head!"

Jesse laughed. "The second one was something this guy said in Los Angeles. He came into the precinct, calm as could be. Says to the booking officer, 'I think I might have killed my friends. They're in my apartment. Here's the address…' Me and another officer went over to check it out. His friends weren't dead, but they were stuck in the shower. The firefighters showed up. He comes back with an officer and we're standing in the living room waiting. This other guy shows up. He's the man's brother. His brother asks what's happening and that is what the man said. Then his brother asked what happened. He says he had a party. The brother asks what happened to the blow. I had to arrest them both because they were possessing, and there was cocaine hidden all over the apartment."

"How, for the love of God, do these stupid people even survive past childhood?" Natalia asked.

"Because they're stupid, but not stupid enough to stop breathing. It's a false negative," Dave said.

They laughed. Ryan stood.

"Here goes nothing," he told them.

**

* * *

5. Refrain from doing a 'ten more minutes left of the shift from hell' dance. Inevitably your supervisor will be standing behind you and remind you of mandatory overtime.**

**6. The light coming at me down the road is not a visiting alien. **

**7. Costa Rica does not have cannibals and I should not threaten someone that's where and why we'll send them there if they do not cooperate.**

* * *

Then he added:

* * *

• **I would really recommend that you do not do that, because I'll be laughing way too hard to call 911.**

• **Mother is very disappointed in you.**

• **"Oh! Snap!"****  
"I didn't say anything."****  
"No. Snap."  
****"Ryan, I didn't say anything."  
****"Ugh! Snap! On the floor!"  
"Ohhhhhhh."**

* * *

"Geeze, Ryan! Have you been saving these up?" Maxine asked.

"You have no idea."

"Apparently. So tell us about them."

"No. He doesn't have to tell you about all of them," Natalia quickly said.

That made many of them smile.

"Now you really have to tell us about them," Calleigh said.

"No. He doesn't. He won't. I'll kill him."

Ryan grinned. "But it's a good story, Talia."

"I swear, Ryan, you tell them and I will make you pay. Pay! Pay like you've never paid for anything in your life."

"Oh, her threats are empty. Tell us," Jesse urged.

"I guess I have to start with the snap."

"NO!" Natalia cried. She hid her face in her hands as her cheeks turned red. "I hate you!"

"Natalia and I go to this murder scene. Two women and a man barely dressed. It was pretty much a bachelorette party gone wrong thing. So we're going over the room in opposite directions. My side was smaller so I get to the wall and—"

"Your side is always smaller!" Natalia said.

"Whatever. I turn around and she's two steps away from stepping on a snap."

"I thought you were saying like," she snapped her fingers, "Oh snap!"

"When have I ever said something like 'oh snap'?"

"There's a first time."

"When would I ever say that? Name one heterosexual man that would say it and risk having people wonder about him?"

"That's stereotyping. Horatio, he's stereotyping."

"We're not at work. I don't care."

She gaped. They all stared at him.

"You don't care?" Maxine asked.

"Once we come through that trap door, we've left work behind us."

Natalia glared at Ryan. "Anyone could have made that mistake."

"I don't know, Natalia, I don't think I would have made that mistake with Ryan," Jesse said. "Dave, maybe. But not Ryan."

"What!?" Dave cried.

Jesse laughed.

"Okay. Enough about the snap that Natalia will never live down. So the next one—"

"You are the devil!" Natalia said and tried to keep a straight face. It ended with her and everyone laughing.

"Rule six is Jesse."

"Me?"

"Yes. You."

"What? When?"

"We were covering for two on swing last week and were called out to the abandon metal plant up north. Remember?"

Jesse grinned. "I have no idea what he's talking about. He's gotta be on something."

"And we're out there, with two officers, doing our CSI thing. We hear this car coming and everyone turns around. He's heading right at us. The officers and me scramble to get out of the way, but Jesse just stands there, staring at it. Lucky for him, one of the officers tackles him just in time. The other officer leaves in pursuit. We pick ourselves up and I ask him what the hell he was thinking. He says—"

Jesse finished, "I had a strange thought at that very moment. I saw the light and for some reason, I thought of this old Twilight Zone episode. And all I could think of was this light coming at the camera on it. I was wondering how they did that."

"Lack of sleep?" Dave asked.

"And how!"

"Rule five is Walter."

"I have _never_ done no happy dance because the shift was over," Walter said.

In unison the group corrected him. "Yes you have."

He grinned. "Okay. Maybe once."

"You do it with frequency, Walter. I am glad I won't have to witness it any more actually. It's a rather disturbing dance," Horatio told him.

Walter grinned. "You folks are just no fun! None. What so ever."

"So then the saying about—"

"You skipped rule seven," Delko told him.

"Oh. That was nothing. So then the saying about—"

"You skipped a rule, Ryan," Delko said, grinning.

"I don't even know why I wrote it. So the saying about—"

"I do."

"No. You don't."

"Yeah. Oh yeah I do."

"No."

"It's because you told that swamp troller that and he believed you and started telling you everything."

Ryan's face turned a light shade of pink.

"No. I didn't do that."

"You did too! I was in the room when you did it!"

"I didn't do that."

"You want me to go find the tapes to prove it?"

"You told someone that, Ryan? You really did?" Calleigh asked him.

"No! No."

"Deny it all you want. I was in the room. You did."

Ryan scrubbed his fingers across his forehead. "I should have never written it."

"On the contrary," Horatio told him, "I think you should have. I believe I would have said something had I heard it. But in this context, it's quite amusing."

"Thanks. I think. The quote about mother happened when I was on patrol still. I caught this kid that had jacked a car and brought him in. I was sitting at my desk, processing him, and this woman walks up. The kid grins at her. She stares. She slaps him and then says that, and walks off. I asked the kid who that was. He shrugs. Said he didn't have the faintest clue. It was so bizarre!"

That brought laughter to the table. Some more than others.

"And he didn't know her?" Tripp asked.

"No. And she looked nothing like his real mom. It was really bizarre. So on this last one, I will admit, I said it. But only just."

"To me," Calleigh said.

He nods. "You were over stretching on the ladder. What else did you expect me to say?"

"I was getting a noose from a rafter and couldn't get the ladder close enough. I didn't have a choice."

"You had a choice. You chose to ignore my choice."

"I was not going to climb onto the rafter and get it. How could that have possibly been any better?"

Ryan grinned. "I don't know. I guess I would have laughed either way."

"You are so evil when you get a beer in you!"

"We're noticing that," Natalia replied.

They laughed.

"Ryan, I'm unaccustomed to you admitting you've done something wrong," Horatio said with a smile.

"I don't think you _really_ know Ryan, Horatio," Jesse said with a grin.

"Don't I?"

"And you really don't know what he and Walter are like when they get together. "They're like Laurel and Hardy!"

"We are not," they retorted in unison.

"Ryan has surprised me with his humor more than once," Horatio admitted.

"I did? When?"

Horatio rose and added:

* * *

• **I brought you a cop car and some cops.**

**

* * *

8. I will not threaten to punt, drop kick, maim, injure, or otherwise harm someone's pet, no matter how annoying they are. (**_**Submitted by DustBunnyQueen**_**)**

**9. Pointing and laughing at a co-worker or officer will inevitably be caught by a member of the press and splashed across every news station and paper in town for the next week. (**_**Inspired by Augusta**_**)**

* * *

"No! H, no!" Ryan laughed.

Horatio smiled and began. "Two weeks ago I arrived at a residential crime scene and the first response officer was the only person on scene. We were walking the scene together and one of the victims regained consciousness, grabbed a weapon and began firing on us. We took cover, but neither of us had a radio. I tried to call dispatch and couldn't get through, so I sent a text to Ryan asking for backup. Upon arriving at the scene, he came up behind me and said _that_."

Between the quote and how Horatio told the story – they laughed until their ribs began hurting.

Delko stood, still recovering from his laughing fit. "Anyone want another beer?"

Several hands went up and he passed out cans.

"He's who I caught doing rule number eight."

"It was a barking puff ball," Ryan protested.

"It was a Pomeranian, Ryan."

"Yeah. Like I said. A barking puff ball."

"I'm with Ryan on this one, H," Delko told him. "They have that bark that just grates on your nerves and it's like every rich woman in Miami owns one!"

Walter nodded. "True that."

"I don't think Eric, you should agree with Ryan. Especially since you did rule number nine before you left."

"What? I did not!"

"And how does it feel to have karma bite you, Eric Delko?" Natalia asked with a cool stare and smile.

"Oh! Burn!" Walter laughed.

"Not that I'm satisfied that karma has exacted my revenge," Calleigh said and then let out a pouty sigh.

"I think I totally missed something really good. What exactly did you point and laugh at her about, Eric?" Maxine asked.

"She tripped and fell in the mud," Natalia told her.

"It was funny," Delko protested.

"It was _not_ funny," Calleigh replied.

"You stood up and raked your fingers through the mud on your face making lines. Then you tried to straighten your hair so you ended up with streaks of mud in your hair! It was funny."

"And you pointed and laughed at me. Jerk!"

"You looked like some wild woman!"

"You _pointed_ and _laughed_ at me."

"And a reporter snapped off a picture of it and it was splashed across the evening post for three days. Hasn't karma gotten even enough for it?"

"Have you learned nothing all these years Eric?"

He smiled a little. "Such as?"

"Southern women don't want to make the men in their lives pay. Oh no. We want them to pay, and then pay again, and then pay another twenty times after that."

He shook his head in the face of the laughter.

"H, look at what you did. You got me in the doghouse. Again."

"You were never out of it!"

"I've been doing work around your house for you for free!"

"We return again to the pay twenty times after that. You still have another fifteen payments due."

"Wow. Eric. You're like her work bitch now," Dave told him.

"Shut up, Dave."

It set them off laughing again. Delko waved them off.

Tripp got up and added:

**

* * *

10. When responding to a newly reported crime scene, we do not tell dispatch we are heading to Crime Town, Evidence-ville, or Forensics-R-Us.**

**11. I will not threaten anyone with my non-existing: ray gun, lightsaber, laser pistol, pulse rifle, zat'niketal, blaster, thermal detonator, and/or viporblade. (**_**Submitted by VessaMorana**_**)**

* * *

• **Your silence will not save you.**

• **I am one relationship away from having thirty cats.**

• **I think my mom is writing a book about how to fuck with your kids when they're high.**

* * *

"So, ten there is something Walter likes to do."

"No I don't."

As though planned the room responded, "Yes, you do."

Walter looked at the faces around him. He made a face. Sighed.

"Well, maybe."

"Rule eleven is Laurel and Hardy at their finest, creative best at the worst possible times."

"What did I tell ya, H?" Delko ribbed, "These two are a danger to themselves when they get together. I don't know that you can assign them to cases together any more."

"Hey, just cuz we have fun and you all are jealous, doesn't give none of you the right to torment us," Walter told them. "Right Laurel?"

"That's right, Hardy," Ryan answered.

Tripp chuckled a little and continued. "The cat quote was this girl whose cheating boyfriend killed the woman he was cheating with so she wouldn't find out about. We were sitting at my desk, I'd just told her about it, she was sobbing and said that."

"Poor thing!" Maxine said.

"The book was a kid I busted for possession at his school. He came to school high, was sent to the principle's office, and they found bags of dope on him. So we hauled him into holding to wait for him to come down. His mother finally gets there and just crawls up one side of him and down the other. She finally left, said she needed air – I think he and I both needed it more than she did. I really thought she was going to start beating him. He turns to me, has that glassy doped up look on his face and asks, 'Dude, was that really my mom?' I tell him yes. 'She's a real bitch, huh?' I said yeah. Then he rattles off that quote."

They laughed some.

"The last one was one I overheard Walter tell his suspect yesterday."

"Man! That wasn't me," Walter protested. "That was some other tall dark skinned guy."

"You're evil twin, huh?" Maxine asked.

"Yeah. Yeah!"

Natalia stood, telling them, "If you all think Ryan and Walter are the worst, then you don't know Calleigh."

"Me?"

"Oh yeah."

Natalia added:

**

* * *

12. A douche bag is not a fashion accessory. **

* * *

• **"Are you listening to me?"****  
"I'm listening. I just don't care."**

* * *

Calleigh laughed and blushed a little. "Oh my! I'd forgotten all about that!"

"I haven't. We had this female suspect who was a so mean and presumptuous, she was a… Mean. She—"

"In this room," Horatio told her, "None of us would say anything about you calling her a bitch."

Natalia smiled and laughed, surprised to hear Horatio say the word out loud.

"Okay. She wasn't a bitch though. She was a—"

"Cunt!" Calleigh blurted.

"Totally. So she tells Calleigh to take her douche bag, meaning her kit, and get the fuck off her property. Calleigh looks her in the eye and tells her, 'Ma'am, a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douche bags,' and walks off. The woman was completely stunned, actually shut up. I was impressed. It was perfect."

"Thanks, Natalia. Now we should move on to—"

"Oh. I wasn't done."

Calleigh just smiled.

"We're driving back from there, I'm telling her about some of my theories on the case and come to the realization that she's not paying any attention to me. So I asked her that, and that was her response. I mean, in one day I put her on a pillar for her tactfulness, then she crushes me with her prissy little retort."

Calleigh grinned and when she spoke, she thickened her accent. "I find excessive douchary very infuriating and wenst I need to vent, there's no safe target in my immediate vicinity."

The act made them roll with laughter. It took several minutes for them to recover and she just smiled.

"Are those even words?" Delko asked her.

She shrugged and sipped her drink.

Dave got up, still laughing, and added:

**

* * *

13. Being caught practicing with a suspect's Samurai sword is bad.**

**14. It is always good to check who's behind you before pretending to drink "blood" to gross out a co-worker.**

**15. I will not threaten to commit seppuku when the lab results come out with unexpected and/or unwanted. (**_**Submitted by VessaMorana**_**)**

* * *

"And in the order of the rules," he told them, "the offenders are Walter, Maxine, and Natalia."

"TRAITOR!" Maxine cried. "He's a traitor!"

"You are fired. Horatio," Natalia laughed. "Fire him right now."

Horatio just smiled.

"But they're true. You can't call me a traitor if they're true. Ah! Woman!"

"I ain't not woman, Dave," Walter corrected him.

"Yeah. I know. Most days."

"What!?"

Dave just smiled.

Calleigh added:

* * *

• **I wasn't crazy! He is!**

• **Don't arrest me! I gotta dog at home, and a sick, blind horse!**

**

* * *

16. Just because we work in a lab, and we have all the tools and chemicals for it, the following items are forbidden to make: chocolate, fudgecicles, random mixed drinks (alcoholic or otherwise), dehydrated ice cream, cellulite, flan, anything involving pudding, anything being used for your 'independent sci-fi movie's special effects.'**

* * *

"The crazy remark was a suspect a few years ago. Nothing more memorable than the quote actually. The dog and horse one was last month. Remember it Tripp?"

He smiled, nodding. "Oh yeah. A boozed up guy wrapped his car around a pole. There was all this blood in the back seat so Calleigh and I got called. Well, turned out the guy has a poached gater in the trunk, which is what the blood was. Which is still an arresting offense and I was definitely in the mood for an arrest after getting called all the way out there in the swamp with all those damned mosquitoes. I'm walking him to my car, idiot starts crying and somewhere in the words we could understand, blurts that."

The story got a chuckle from the room.

"And the rule?" Jesse asked.

"There are those among us that know exactly what why it's there."

"You're taking our toys away," Maxine told her.

"And we only make them on our breaks or slow days," Ryan added. "To keep our skills sharp."

"Sharp?" Calleigh questioned. "How exactly are skills kept sharp by making fudgecicles or pudding?"

He looked away.

"Wait…" Jesse grinned. "Does this mean we won't have to smell burned ice cream for two days now?"

She nodded with a grin.

"Yes!"

"No. You can't say yes. I was on the verge of perfecting it," Ryan said.

"No. No more," Calleigh told him with a finger shake.

Walter sighed. "Now what are we going to do?"

Ryan and he looked at each other, and grinned.

"This can't be good," Tripp commented.

Together the men said, "Dehydrated Jello!"

"Horatio, I don't think this whole Wall thing is working here," Jesse told him.

"I suspect that soon addendums to the rule will have to be made, and soon, but it is working."

"So, since we have these keys, we can come up here any time we want?" Dave asked.

"Anytime."

"And we can't tell anyone about it?" Tripp asked.

"If you wouldn't, I think we'd all prefer that. If you want someone included, as a group we should decide. This is for our team, our Wall Crew."

"And will there be beer supplied?" Maxine asked with a smile.

"No. That was a treat on Calleigh's behalf tonight. You will have to bring your own from now on, and may not drink it while clocked in."

Tripp glanced at his watch. "As much fun as this really has been, I gotta get. What are we doing with the markers?"

Calleigh pointed at a basket in the center of the table. "I thought we could put them in there. Then we'll have them whenever we come up here."

"Did you know about this before the rest of us, Calleigh?" Maxine asked.

"Yes." She smiled. "One of us ladies had to. How else would we have kept Horatio from turning this into a man-den?"

They laughed. Horatio smiled.

Tripp stood and tossed his marker in the basket. "I'll know where to hide when the chief is on a head hunt. Thanks for including me, guys. Have a safe weekend."

His departure signaled more following, filling the room with chatter and cans clanking as they were dropped in a trashcan. Finally only Horatio and Ryan were left.

"I hope you're not disappointed in me," Ryan said.

"Why would I be disappointed?" Horatio asked.

"Well, I… I'm guessing you didn't know all those things I've done."

"I knew about some of them, and I'm not disappointed, Ryan."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

Ryan smiled, turning in his chair to look at the television. "Does that TV work?"

"It does."

"Does it get all the channels we get here? Even the movie channels?"

"It does."

"I think I'll see what's on. How about you?"

"I'm going to head home. Have a good evening, Mr. Wolfe."

Ryan watched him leave and the trap door close behind him. It clicked, a very audible sound in the silent room. Ryan got up and climbed the ladder. At the end he reworded a quote from a television show he used to watch:

* * *

• **Good beer. Nice wall.**

* * *

Ryan stabbed the last period with a smile and climbed down. He grabbed another beer, pulled off his tie, and settled in for a slow night of cable movies.


End file.
